Befriending Grief in Midlife

There are obvious fascinations attendant in midlife, such as becoming experts in our careers, surrendering to gravity, getting “new leases on life,” and becoming more comfortable (and yes, sometimes more uncomfortable) with ourselves in general. Another among these, midlife is a time we are typically immersed in and experience grief beyond imagination.

Our grandparents and parents naturally pass away when we are in midlife. Friends too close to our own age begin to die from natural causes rather than accidents and bizarre circumstances. Our children leave home and launch their own adult lives. Or perhaps our kids struggle with their adolescence and come dangerously close to self harm. Our physical youthfulness ages as we get emotionally, mentally and spiritually bolder: and things we held as important suddenly don’t seem that important anymore. We begin to search the horizon for a newer and brighter beacon of light to guide us into a safe harbor, only to find a longing to journey out into the open ocean again. Perhaps we are looking for the adventure we held back from earlier in our lives.

Our marriages, if they survived, are now called “long term marriages” and we are not the same people we were when we entered them. That may suit us well or not, depending on who it is we have grown to be as older adults. Maybe our marriages did not survive the chaos inherent in intimate relationships and we find ourselves alone when our dream was to be otherwise. For many of us the fact that dreams change or simply fade away was not in our awareness 20 years ago. In midlife we relax, and sometimes even release, our tenacious grasp on principles, values and desires. Letting go and releasing can be very challenging. Sometimes our long held dreams may seem like sand sifting through our fingers.

And the thing is, at least in my experience, the reasons I grieve seem to be piling up in midlife before I get “over it”. To me it feels like I sink below the surface and become submerged in grief after I get too tired to tread water. Just as I think I may pop above the surface, the next loss occurs and I slowly sink under again.

I remember the moment it felt like in order to survive I had to conjure the courage to inhale “water.” It happened after my father died. It occurred to me that grief may be part of midlife naturally and the “getting over it” part was over. Grief just may become a familiar and regular presence in my life now that I am in the middle of midlife. It occurred to me that living in a state of exuberance with a willingness to let go of the past while being a person who grieves is my task; that at the bottom of this deep well of grief is the love I seek. What do you think?